Planned Journey Against Actual Journey

I was chatting to a good friend today and our conversation started me thinking about how we made it to certain places/stages in our lives. Compared to where we thought we wanted to go

When you’re a kid you have this picture in your head of what you want to be when you grow up; which we innocently act out by dressing up or role playing. Then in school, our focus is manipulated towards broader career choices based on our academic strengths. Those strengths become more concentrated as we start applying to universities and ultimately graduate in to a job connected to our degree subject or if you didn’t go to Uni, towards those subjects you were basically good at in school.

I’m curious to know who out there had the passion and dedication to stick with that initial first feeling of joy when you were role playing your ideal career choice and how many of you ended up somewhere you least expected.

I know that’s the case with me. I’ve ended up here by the forces of nature not by my own will. In fact I would go so far as to say I began lacking the will to be so determined whilst in school. I wanted to learn everything but had no interest in being good at any of those things. What actually happened was the more I found interesting the more indecisive I became. A trait that probably led me to allow fate to nudge me in other directions; although I’ve seen fate blatantly bullying people to go in the direction they don’t want to, such as those who aren’t fortunate enough to get a job in there related Uni/school subjects (again first-hand experience with that scenario), so with that in mind I’m quite content with just being nudged.

My mind only wonders in this direction now I’m older and wiser (debateable!) and find myself curious as to how my life would’ve been had I been more determined to bend fate to my will and the question; is it still possible?

I should point out that I am by no means miserable at this point, I’m merely musing. I just find the idea of your planned journey against your actual journey rather fascinating. Especially in light of the fact that when I was younger I never contemplated other aspects of my life. For example I was never interested in settling down, I was far too manic for stability and wanted to meet so many interesting people. Yet, here I am celebrating ten years of a relationship that completely blindsided me.

It is the strength of this relationship which makes me wonder if, now, I could make my make believe become a reality. Was the missing component to succeed all those years ago that piece that makes me whole now? Or is it a lost cause and those notions should be left in the hands of the younger minds.

If that’s the case should we stop dreaming? Do our old dreams hold us back now, unable to fulfil a different potential we’ve found through the unexpected path we took?

I think at the moment the answer to all the above questions is nobody knows. The best we can do is enjoy the journey in the moments we have and try to take something positive and educational out of every one of those moments. Most importantly respect our younger selves for once having that fearless attitude and dreaming so big in the first place because somewhere it’s still part of us.

The Secrets Out

Out Spring 2012

So my second proof arrived today and guess what, it’s perfect! So all that’s left to do is OK it then it’s back to waiting but this time waiting for it to come out for real!!

I guess at this point I should really start by confessing that it’s not really a big secret I need to reveal but as I draw closer to the launch of my book, The Break, I feel I must explain something to you guys. This book is being published by ME!! I have ventured in to the realm of self publishing, a realm I must admit I was very sceptical and apprehensive about especially considering the stereotype and reactions that go with self publishing.

I guess there’s two pinnacle moments that has lead me to this point in time, the first is way back in the day when my thirst for writing began and the moment when I was eighteen years old and had some success with a screenplay I had written, which piqued the interest of a casting director, a producer and a commissioning editor at Channel 4. I couldn’t even begin to describe the rollercoaster ride I continued on, which unfortunately lasted all of four months as the project fell through due to funding. What I can describe to you is the devastating effects something like that has on the soul of an eighteen year old, to have all your dreams handed to you in a stroke of fate only to experience a mere smell of them before they’re whisked away just as quickly as they arrived. With the exception of journalism pieces for the student magazine of which I was editor of whilst at college I didn’t write a single thing for four years. I think this is why I get so annoyed at reality shows like the X Factor, Britain’s Got Talent and American Idol etc because some of the contestants are too young, you can’t possibly comprehended the manipulative ways of the entertainments industry at the ages of fifteen to eighteen. Grown adults seem to find it amusing to play with kids hopes and fears. Anyway that’s a different rant for a different day! So once I started writing again I still couldn’t find my “Mojo” I was continuing to write screenplays still because that’s what I had had success with before but none of those projects felt right. Incidentally, I now have a huge pile of them I now use as a door stop!

Then the second pinnacle moment occurred just after I turned thirty, I started to lose my hearing. Now without meaning to sound incredibly clichéd but it is incredible what we take for granted. I never expected in a million years to hit thirty and start going deaf, over the course of a year I completely lost the ability to hear out of my right ear and now wear a hearing aid in my left, without out which I’m a little useless to you!! It was in this moment that I sat down and started writing, writing an actual story, a novel, not a screenplay. Why do people need life altering moments to motivate them to do something they would never have dared try? I’ve always loved crazy, wild, unbelievable stories based in imaginary worlds and fictional crazy characters ultimately the fantasy/Sci-fi genre so that’s where my crazy imagination took me, to a complete fantasy.

After finishing my first completed draft, I went back and started to focus on the first three chapters and formatted them in accordance with “industry standards”, I wrote a covering letter and started sending them to literary agents, I figured I didn’t need to know the ins and outs of the world of publishing I’d get an agent and they’ll do it all for me. I was so naive back then I look back and I’m convinced that attitude belonged to a different person. The thing is everyone said no but the annoying part was it wasn’t because they didn’t enjoy the work. I think it was because of the genre I was writing in. I think nowadays if you’re writing a fantasy novel and you’re not on Team Vampire you don’t stand a chance.

It seems in this current economic climate nobody wants to take a risk everybody wants a sure thing. I was on the verge of scrapping the idea completely to attempt perhaps something more main stream a romantic comedy maybe!! Or to conform and throw in a vampire or two but I’d grown a little attached to my characters and to not see it through to the end would’ve reminded me of how close I’d come before and writing and telling stories is the only thing that has stayed with me since I learnt to read, write and draw, it’s the only thing I’ve never kept changing my mind about, I’ve always wanted to be an author. Then somebody suggested self publishing and to be honest I turned my nose up. I spent about an hour Googling and realised it consisted of dodgy looking companies with dodgy looking websites asking you to give them about fifteen hundred quid and they’ll print your book and get it in the shops (yeah right), it just all looked like one big SCAM. Then my partner suggested I do some more research “Buy a book about it”. So I did I purchased a book called Self Printed: a sane person’s guide to self publishing by Catherine Ryan Howard. I think it was the “Sane” part that was the biggest selling point for me! Anyway as I read it, it just all made sense and there wasn’t a dodgy looking Scam company in sight, it’s become my bible and the biggest thing it opened my eyes to was, self publishing in this way is much like running a small business, basically you have a product you would like to sell and that was my problem before, how could I expect literary agents and publishers to take a chance on me financially if I wasn’t willing to do it myself. So I have taken a leap of faith, for the experience, for the understanding, for the business woman in me, for the creative woman in me, for the deflated eighteen year old still left in there somewhere. I will always continue to go down the traditional publishing route (this is the dream after all!)  but now, I’m better armed with better knowledge, I am my own boss and I’m not scared of the hard work, the hard work I’ve already put in and the hard work that’s still to come, I’ve got a strong stomach and thick skin and I can’t wait for the new challenges around the corner, I’m not delusional, I’m not going to suddenly quit my day job and expect to be in the top 20 of The Times best sellers list in The Saturday Review but I’m up for an adventure and I hope you guys will come along for the ride.